A letter to my soulmate (Guest Chapter)

“One cannot know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being”. ~ John Joseph Powell



If you’re reading this, then that’s a good thing. It means that I got through 3,4 billion people to get to you (that’s the number of men in the world right now), it also means that you are not dead and hopefully I am not too.

I stay up at night. A lot. Creating stuff in my mind, putting some down on paper and sometimes reading what others have written. It is one of the things you will love about me. It may also be one of the things you will hate about me.

Tonight is one of those long nights.

3,4 billion people and my heart will choose you.

You will be Kenyan, probably Ghanian or Indonesian. You may be a Briton. Or a Frenchman with a strong accent that will sweep me off my feet. I can’t tell. But one thing I know, is that I will see you and I will know.

We will meet at your workplace. Maybe at mine. Or at a bookstore. Probably at an art museum. Perhaps …just perharps…in a loud night club.

I know though, that your passion will draw me to you before your looks do. It will burn right through your eyes into mine and our worlds will lock and spin for a moment. We will walk towards each other and we will make light conversation about the weather, or the play that will be done. And you will ask for my number. Maybe I will ask for yours because I’m a go-getter. And that will be the beginning of a lifetime of nightfall conversations.

You will not ask me for anything – not even sex.

We will have the strongest friendship. You will tell me your stories and I will tell you mine. We will watch sunsets together as we drink beer from one bottle and laugh at our days. We will sit in silence on rainy nights and listen to the sound of the storms. I will write and maybe, you will draw or paint. We will go on adventures together. I will help you face the heights and you will help me conquer the depths. Mel Gibson will be our soulmate and Braveheart will be the story of our life.

You will not beg me for anything. You will still not ask me for sex. You will not even mention it because you will know that will be the beginning of the end. You will play with my mind and my vision and every cell in my body will crave you.

You will learn that I’m weird and you will like me a little more. I will retreat into my little corner. A lot. You will need to hold me at night but I’ll be up. Creating stuff in my mind, putting some down on paper or reading what others have written. And you will not like me so much then.

But I am such a cuddler and you will love it. You will wake up to cuddling a lot. We will cook together. Good food, burnt food, foreign recipes – we will get through all of it. Like a game of Chess you will be the King and I will be the Queen – I will faithfully protect you. You will be my fortress and I will lean on you more times than necessary because I’m a sentimental mess. Your beautiful sentimental mess. I will start saying things you say and you will start saying things I say. Tequila will be our friend when we need one and I will be your venting machine. You will walk into mistakes, a lot, and I will wait for you on the other end. I will make mine too and you won’t like it but you will love me through it. We will visit your people. They will not like my short dress, or my opinionated nature but they will know you have found a good thing.

We will move in together and fight over closet space and bookshelves and plants. But we will always meet each other halfway. We will get a cat, maybe a dog, but later we will give them out and make a baby.

You will give me your name and I will give you my life. We will fight a lot, both loud and silent wars. But you will not hurt me and I will not hurt you because my heart will be yours and yours will be mine.

You will challenge me. You will push me to the wall. You will test my limits. You will play with my mind. You will drive me insane. You will make me accomplish my purpose and then you will do a rerun. You will put your life on the line for me. You will stand in the sun and let me rest on your shadow. You will walk on needles and you will cross deserts.

I will adore you. Strongly, deeply and madly. I will support you. I will pray for you. I will kiss you every chance I get. I love hoodies and I will make several with your name like a dork. I have very warm hands and I will hold yours when it’s cold. I will drive around with you aimlessly and we will eat as much chicken as you like. I will fight your battles. And I will name every scar after you. I will call you everyday. I will miss you every second. I will love you to insanity. I will be obsessed with you in an almost unhealth way. My one in a 3,4 billion people.

You will carry my soul and I will carry yours. And when death strikes, half of us will be gone, but we will still be there.

But before your workplace, or mine. The bookstore, or the art museum; I hope I don’t meet you soon. I am currently lost. I am trying to find myself. I hope you are too. Don’t come to me incomplete because I will not be able to help you. Find yourself now.

I have a lot to learn and if we meet now I will probably  hurt you. I have demons to kill and skeletons to bury. I break everything I hold, so you have to be unbreakable. You are human. With flesh, blood, feelings and emotions. You are breakable. You cannot be the toughest diamond. And I don’t want to break you now because I will break everything.

So just like me, shrug at all the frogs you kiss, put up with the bad sex, endure the loneliness, thrive in the solitude, learn all you can, explore wherever you can, be whoever you want. Walk in your truth.

One day we will meet. At your workplace. Maybe at mine. Probably at a bookstore, or at an art museum. Our worlds will lock and spin for a moment. You will ask for my number. Maybe I will ask for yours because I am a go-getter.

And that will be the beginning of something beautiful.

Yours (someday),

Doreen Ntiritu


I am lost,
I am unredeemable,
Probably even offtrack.

Until I meet you.

I know describing you and how and what you will make me feel is something this composition, these words or even a million more will not do.
You will be the Love of my life, Laugh of my life, The very own life of my life. You will give me a whole new definition and interpretation of love and life.
You will get me. Even a little more than I do myself.

I will say “Never would I have thought,or imagined even in a million years that I would find someone like you.” Not even in that round, white, wooden coffee table where we will sit on our very first meeting. Oh wait. Date. And yes the coffee table will be white.
I won’t see the emotions coming. Especially not feeling all of them at once.

How they will come you ask?

Probably, it is between the long,really long conversations that we will have.
Where I will laugh my heart out. Because I love laughing.
Probably even between the long stares that you will give me,
You know,with your perfectly round and brown eyes, taking in every single sense of my being as if looking for something.
Or maybe,it is in the way you will say “You are beautiful” after that.
I can’t exactly tell whether it will be also in the way that you will love life, the way that you will be living it.
Or between the fights and arguments, which will all end up being forgiven and forgotten.
Or maybe in the way you will let things flow between us, accommodating my whole being, imperfection after another.
Probably it will be the hugs.
Or in the moments I will get to look into your eyes, and fall in them over and over again.
So effortlessly.

And it is in the long conversations,
In the long stares,
In the way you say I am beautiful,
In the way you love life,
In the fights and arguments
and all these moments that I will know,
You and I are soulmates.
And I will love it. You,even more.


It seemed peaceful not
Not the gloomy night, not the dark skies,
Rain, showers that seemed to penetrate,
Whisk-brooming a cloud of sorrow into the air,
To the gates and depths of hell. Hell!

It was impossible to make a wish upon no stars.

Then I listened, listened hard,
(My breathing was tighter now)
To the drops, drop after drop,
Like in a struggled en-route,
To the gates and depths of hell.

I stopped. Was there a knock?
I knew it was but hoped it wasn’t,
It was then that I saw it. I saw him.
Not through the gates and depths of hell,
But through his eyes. His hazel eyes.

Eyes that had made all sense escape from within me.

He stood there and stared, really cold,
In the mystical moist, he didn’t have to utter,
For in that moment I knew,
That my life was shuttered,
And it seemed peaceful not.

‘Poem’ by Mary Cecil

I ask…


Sometimes I think, do I write as a woman?
Are my thoughts so different?
What concerns woman and not men
Do they have a gravitas I do not?
Is the world I experience
The search for truth
To flay a heart and dissect a thought
Should I be remote, detached as a diary?
Where do my thoughts sit
What else save love and loss to expect
Am I not serious in my journey?
Is there a scale I know not of?
Are all the challenges reserved for men?
To pontificate to helpless women
Or is the emotional turmoil in poetry
A commonality of the writing process?
So in consideration I shall continue
And explore the frontiers of being human
Disregard the doubts
And write, simply because I must
untitled is © Mary Cecil
Mary Cecil is the mother of large family and Grandmother to eleven. The…

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She couldn’t exactly tell,

Especially not from the tears that fell,

To what extent her happy was.

Or was it the sadness?


No,She couldn’t be sad.


She was really having an ideal and fun time these past days.

He was fun, and fulfilled her. Perfect for her.

She laughed,and laughed really hard,

Even when it was a storm that brought them together.

This now did explain the tears.

Her fears were no longer extant, And,

Somewhere in the midst of all that,She loved.


Big mistake.


This she thought as she held back a little.

She lay there for some quiet introspection,

What happens when the storm that brought them together finally faded away?

She felt a wreckage in her heart.

What happens then? Was it too late for coulds and could nots?

There was no telling.




As she jolted back to reality,

You’d think that she’d be happy,but no,she wasn’t

And it made zero sense.

She had her happy in that exact moment, And

she knew better than to worry about moments to come,

but she still did.


Three whiskeys and a lot of tears later,

She is still not listening to reason.

About A Bird.

Image result for bird on a frail branch

In the deep, dark, diverse monstrous jungle,

In a far AWAY land,

and full of peace and serenity,

Was a bird.


Very small, but not so small,

In somewhat good shape but so frail and fragile,

On a not so strong branch either,

You know, afraid it will let go…

The branch I mean.

It looked like she was whispering some prayer above,

Unanswered and still very heavy in her heart.


She looked like she was in languish too,

With every breath becoming tighter,

One after the other.

She was so quiet.

Quieter than silence.


Also looking like she was thinking about battles,

Battles she had fought and lost.

Her heart was really heavy,

Heavy with with hurt.

But she was still holding on.

Her beautiful feathers, strong and colorful,

Made it possible to blend in,

And impossible to see her pain.


She wanted to fly again, and AWAY,

Wanted to feel whole again, and reborn,

Energized by the peace and serenity

surrounding her.

She wanted to ignore any negative energies,

And with time, Sing a new tune.



Aren’t they hard? I mean,its just so hard to say goodbye to someone you love…even harder when this is forever. Not being able to see or touch or talk to them ever again. Not because you wish not to,but because the cruelty of death surpassed your ability to do anything about it. I have lost people I love to death,not one,not two. So I clearly write this from experience.

This is for everyone who has had to go through the emotional torment and torture of losing a loved one in their life…hold on to the hope.

And Smile.

「death goodbye quotes」的圖片搜尋結果


Too Soon.

Next to dream in the realm,

I am hoping to wake up,

Wake up from this haunting nightmare,

Heal from this taunting wound,

Not believing you are gone,

Wishing to revive and re-live our memories,

But too bad you are gone now.


Loved by many you were,Missed by all you are,

The brutality of death seems to be the new reality now,

Sitting around all day and wondering why,

The pain worsens by the minute…


Watch over us from above love…

I hope that  curve of the crescent at night is your smile,

That star shining so bright your eyes,

And that calm after a wind your hug.


Of fate we didn’t expect,

But we accept.

Day after day,night after night,

Even when the  hurt seems to be slowly fading away,

In our hearts  you will always be.

And those,those will be the hardest days,

And nights,

Because you are no longer here.



Of Untold Fears…

Do you ever just sit and begin to wonder what your life is all about? Or if the decisions you are making are right? I bet we are all faced with different and difficult questions all the time but in all of this, we have to live…and take risks,whether for life,or love.

Mostly love.

On to my main agenda now. Enjoy.


It was one,then two

a hundred then a thousand,

a million,a billion,trillion and,

suddenly uncountable!


Out of my reach but within my sight,

twinkling and shining,

rhythmically dancing,to a dance

that only he and I knew of,

with the strength of our love.


A pattern of our names they formed,

Of bright rainbow colors they glowed,

dissenting the spartan life we shared,

as it all seemed sancrosanct with him.


Just then the city lights shone,

brighter than the sky night,

And niggling doubts of this predicament

i called love,swirled in my head.


The then uncountable stars i now counted,

each trying to find its way out,

battling to out shine the city lights,

but only I noticed.


I had him, right next to me…

right next and he didn’t notice.

then it hit me that I had taken the vow,

for better for worse,to make it wow.

I had to live it,not leave it.